(been living with me for years and hasn't been paying rent, the worst kind of friend)
Last September (2016) I noticed an enlarged lymph node above my right clavicle. It wasn't painful, but it was there. I took note and decided to keep my eye on it and have my midwife check it out at my yearly exam in November. Over the next couple of months I noticed two smaller lymph nodes next to the large one. I kept hoping they were nothing, but deep down I had an unrelenting fear that it was maybe cancer. I told myself to stop being dramatic and not to worry until I had reason to...but looking back now, I realize that my intuition was right and prompted me to get the lymph nodes checked out. I am grateful for that.
I pointed out the lymph node to my midwife, Diana Lee, and she was immediately concerned. I told her I had been sick with a virus the week before and the lymph nodes were bothering me more because of that. We decided to wait a week to see if they went down and if not, send me to a surgeon for removal and biopsy. A week went by and no changes so I made the appointment with Dr. Gill, a general surgeon in Provo. At this point I was still hopeful that the lymph node was nothing concerning and that we were just being extra cautious.
My appointment with Dr. Gill was on December 1st and Hugh and I went together. We met Dr. Gill and liked him. He asked questions about my health and any symptoms I had related to the enlarged lymph nodes. Initially, Dr. Gill indicated that they were probably nothing because I didn't have any classic lymphoma symptoms (fatigue, weight lost, night sweats). But as he did a physical exam he became worried about the size of the largest lymph node because it was about 1.5 cm, which is the threshold for normal lymph node enlargement. Dr. Gill advised we first do a CT scan of my neck and chest to see if there was more involvement and then schedule a biopsy of the lymph node. The CT scan was done on December 9th and it only showed the enlarged lymph nodes in my neck and nothing else concerning. We decided to first try a needle aspiration biopsy, but the day before the procedure the radiologist decided he wouldn't be able to get enough tissue to do an accurate biopsy. We would need to do a surgical removal of the entire lymph node. My surgery was scheduled for January 4th, 2 days before Ruby's baptism and 6 days before flying out to Virginia to visit Mal. I was worried about the timing, but Dr. Gill was adamant about getting it done before I left for my trip instead of waiting, and he felt confident that I would be fine for the baptism and for travel.
I was so nervous for the surgery. Which is kind of pathetic, since I've been a surgical nurse for 9 years! I was most nervous about being put under general anesthesia and any complications from that. Everything went smooth and I was able to enjoy Ruby's baptism and made it out to visit Mal. On Monday, January 9th, (the day before leaving for Virginia) I was driving home from an early morning work meeting when I decided to listen to a message I missed. I will always remember this moment, sitting in our little old 2001 Corolla and hearing Dr. Gill's voice tell me that the pathology came back and it showed Hodgkins Lymphoma. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me and the tears just started flowing. I immediately called Hugh, then my mom and dad. Panic set-in before my rational mind could and I started thinking about all the worst possible outcomes. I called Dr. Gill's office back, once I had better footing, and talked with his nurse because he was in surgery all day. He regretted having to leave a message, but knew he would be gone all day and that I was leaving the next day for my trip. The nurse re-assured me that Hodgkins is a slow-growing cancer and I should go on my trip and not worry about seeing an oncologist until I got back. Although nervous, I was grateful that I could still go on my trip because I had been looking forward to meeting baby Annie for months.
Looking back at all this, I find many things to be grateful for. I'm grateful for my midwife, Diana Lee, and the care she puts into her practice and patients. She does thorough exams and she followed through with her concern about the lymph node and called me to make sure I got in to see the surgeon. I'm grateful for Dr. Gill who also knew when to be concerned about an enlarged lymph node. I'm grateful my guard was up when I first found the lymph node and had a relentless voice in my head telling me to be concerned. I'm grateful I had a trip planned to visit Mal, Jeff, and Annie. That trip was such a blessing at a difficult time. I was able to get away with two of my kids and meet my new sweet niece and see my sister be a mom. It was a beautiful reminder of the good this world has to offer. I also had such a nice time with Henry and Betty on the trip and feel like the one-on-one time was much needed...for all of us. Hugh at home with the girls and me with Henry and Betty.
And now, as I move forward with my chemotherapy treatment, I am reminded again of the goodness of the people around me. When Hughie was born, I felt so much love and outreach that helped ease the pain and burden of his coming and going, and I am feeling that same love again. People are so good and which serves as a good reminder to me to do more to reach out to others. Sometimes I think my reaching out won't make a difference, but it does! Every thoughtful word and outreach lifts. Thank you to so many who care about me enough to say something and extend their kindness. My burden is lightened and I am filled with hope and confidence as I face the next 6 months of treatment.
Looking back at all this, I find many things to be grateful for. I'm grateful for my midwife, Diana Lee, and the care she puts into her practice and patients. She does thorough exams and she followed through with her concern about the lymph node and called me to make sure I got in to see the surgeon. I'm grateful for Dr. Gill who also knew when to be concerned about an enlarged lymph node. I'm grateful my guard was up when I first found the lymph node and had a relentless voice in my head telling me to be concerned. I'm grateful I had a trip planned to visit Mal, Jeff, and Annie. That trip was such a blessing at a difficult time. I was able to get away with two of my kids and meet my new sweet niece and see my sister be a mom. It was a beautiful reminder of the good this world has to offer. I also had such a nice time with Henry and Betty on the trip and feel like the one-on-one time was much needed...for all of us. Hugh at home with the girls and me with Henry and Betty.
And now, as I move forward with my chemotherapy treatment, I am reminded again of the goodness of the people around me. When Hughie was born, I felt so much love and outreach that helped ease the pain and burden of his coming and going, and I am feeling that same love again. People are so good and which serves as a good reminder to me to do more to reach out to others. Sometimes I think my reaching out won't make a difference, but it does! Every thoughtful word and outreach lifts. Thank you to so many who care about me enough to say something and extend their kindness. My burden is lightened and I am filled with hope and confidence as I face the next 6 months of treatment.
post-op picture after the removal of the lymph node for biopsy
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