Bursting at the Seams

Just about halfway!

It is Thursday night and I am gearing up for my sixth chemo treatment. And although I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, I'm happy that this treatment marks the halfway point. Wahoo! This past week I have felt exceptionally well and have been able to take care of myself and my kids like normal. This has felt so good and has really lifted my spirits. I told a friend that I now feel like I am "doing this" instead of "dreading it.  Treatment 3 and 4 brought some real feelings of depression and hopelessness, along with an increased empathy for those that suffer from depression on a more regular basis. Hard stuff. I'm grateful for the good week before my treatment that helps lift me out of the funk. I'm still feeling anxious about tomorrow, just thinking about it all makes me feel nauseous (accessing my port, smelling and tasting the saline and heparin, de-accsessing my port, the covaderm bandage on my port site...). These things really aren't that bad, but I think I associate them with the fog that settles once I'm home from treatments. The fog is mixed with fatigue and exhaustion, nausea, metal-taste in the mouth, and body aches. But, I know I can do this! Especially with all the love, support, and care I continue to receive from so many loved ones, friends, and neighbors. My eyes have been opened to the importance of serving others when I can and being more committed to people than my own agenda.

We recently started talking with the kids about doing something to celebrate once all my treatments are done. The other night Tildy asked me if we could go back to the hotel when all my hair grows back. Girl after my own heart, loves a good hotel stay. You got it, Tildy! It also cheers me up when Ruby will randomly ask, "How are you feeling, mom?" Today she made the point that even though chemo days are bad, they are also good because they are getting rid of the cancer. I like that perspective, Ruby. This past week and half Henry has been sick with Henoch-Schonlein Purpura (HSP). He has a horrible rash all over his legs all the way up to his waist. His poor knee, ankle, and elbow joints are all inflamed and swollen. Overall he hardly complains, but by the end of the day he is hobbling around like an old man. He asked me whose sickness was worse, mine or his. He has been so matter-of-fact about being sick, it is pretty endearing.

It can be so easy for me to get stuck in a web of feeling sorry for myself and having to go through this experience. This was not part of my plan for this year. I'm still mourning the loss of a normal summer with my kids. I love taking them to the Lindon Pool every week and realize that this won't happen this year. But, I also realize how blessed I am to be in such good circumstances outside of my Hodgkins Lymphoma. Hugh and I are both employed, we have health insurance, we have loving family and friends around us, along with a supportive and wonderful ward family and neighborhood, and wonderful co-workers. Not to mention so many friends, family, and co-workers who have generously helped alleviate the financial burden of the medical costs and my unexpected 6 month leave from work. And four little ones reminding me how lucky I am to be a mom. Life is messy, but filled with lots of good...so I'm hoping to keep my focus there.

Here's to treatment #6!

Trying to be fancy with my headscarf. Thanks for the idea Kristina and Gwen!

Hugh snapped this at my last treatment (#5) and I told him I look like a full-blown cancer patient

in this pic. "Well, you are are!" was his response.

Here is Henry during his trip to the ER the Sunday after my 5th treatment. Hugh took him to Primary's and the nurse in me was having major FOMO. This is where they diagnosed the HSP.

The rash and swelling on his poor legs. It keeps getting worse, but all part of the HSP course, which is usually self-resolving in 4-8 weeks. 

It has been a busy couple of weeks!