Bursting at the Seams

{Hugh holding our precious son}

{Hughie surrounded by many loving family members}

{Even Mr. Monkey had to be close by}

{Tender touch of dad's hand}

{Reading to Hughie and enjoying our time to hold him}

{Little Hughie}

{Family Portrait}

{We love you, Hughie}

{Sibling moment}

{A kiss from Smee}

Thank you, Drew, for capturing so perfectly our family time with Hughie. These pictures were taken Sunday, March 14th, before our sweet Hughie passed away. Hughie received a beautiful blessing from his father, Hugh. Those in the circle were: Bishop Beardall, Grandpa Sterling, Grandpa Scott, Great-Grandpa Tovey, Uncles Mike, Arthur and Andrew. Hughie was surrounded by many loving family members on Sunday, I am so grateful for our families.

Today, as I rocked Ruby before her nap it felt good to hold her close. I feel grateful to have a baby (yet, one who is growing at an ever rapid rate) at home to help me through the many rough days ahead. And although I am so very grateful to have my dear little Ruby, she can't fill the hole I have in my heart for my little Hughie. After Hughie's funeral, Hugh and I both felt comforted and at peace. The funeral service and burial were beautiful and a perfect tribute to our sweet son. Hughie was buried in the most beautiful hand-crafted wood casket, which was made just for Hughie by loving hands...thank you Kathe and Mike. But during the weekend, an immense sadness set in and I felt empty without my son. A friend in my ward, who has also experienced the loss of a baby, used the word "homesick" to describe the times she longed for her angel baby girl. Homesick is the best way to describe how I feel for my Hughie. I just wish I could spend a little more time with him, hold him a little longer, and have him physically in our home. But I do know that Hughie's sweet spirit will always be in our home, as long as we create a home where his spirit feels welcome and appreciated. I do feel blessed to have such a special gift.

I haven't been able to document, in written form, any of the events that have transpired over the past week and a half. Words just can't do my feelings and emotions justice. I am glad I have so many pictures (thanks again Drew!) from Hughie's last day to remind me how I felt and the wonderful spirit that was present.

It has also been hard to blog this past week, because Hughie had been my main topic of interest. It was so therapeutic for me to come home from the hospital and update the world wide web on Hughie's condition. Last Monday was a harsh reality when I realized I wasn't waking up to go to the hospital to sit next to Hughie. It actually feels good right now to type this post about him. I am finding that it helps my healing to talk about my little man. Talking about him keeps him close to my heart, even though it will be awhile before I can physically hold him close to my heart.

I miss Hughie so much. As grateful as I am for the tender mercies I've received over the past four weeks, I often just wish I had my son in my arms. It was very painful at times watching Hughie go through so much, but the pain lingers as I try to carry-on without him here. Part of me (the part that may be in a little bit of denial) feels like I am still pregnant and Hughie hasn't been born yet. Crazy, I know, but it takes time for everything to sink in. At Hughie's viewing, a family friend of Hugh's asked me what was the hardest part. There were many difficult moments...but there is one thing that has plagued my mind since Hughie's birth. I wish so badly I could have been with him his first moments of life. What was he like before he was intubated? What did his cry sound like? Did he cry at all? Did he move around? How sick was he right when he was born? Along with these thoughts that run through my head, I mostly just wish I could have held him in the comfort of my arms after he left the comfort of my womb. I wish I could have shown him immediately how much I love him. I wish he could have nursed just once. I wish he didn't have to lay in that hospital bed alone without his mother close by. I know I can't change any of this, and things happened the way they needed to in order to keep Hughie alive. But as a mother, putting my son's care in the trust of others was hard and unnatural. It gives me great comfort to know that I will have the opportunity to raise my son in the life to come. I love you, Hughie...

Goodnight, sleep tight, and pleasant dreams to you

Here's a wish, and a prayer, that all your dreams come true

And now, till we meet again...

Adios, au revoir, auf wiedersehen...goodnight!

{My dad sang this to me, I sing it to Ruby, Hugh and I sang it to Hughie}