A day of memory....

{Memorial Day 2009: Eating dinner at Ruth's Diner}

{Our sweet Hughie...the day we said goodbye}

And making new ones...

{Camping in the backyard}

{How come she'll wear a headlamp but not a headband? I'm sure Hugh's at the bottom of this}

"Call!"

{My babe of a little sister...going to homecoming last year}

Lately, Ruby walks around the upstairs yelling "Call....Call....Call." She's looking for her best friend and aunt, McCall. As she's yelling her name she always walks to Call's room and is so disappointed when McCall isn't there. I seriously believe Ruby thinks she is Call's peer. Mostly because McCall treats her as such. I hope Call knows how much Ruby appreciates her...(and me as well, getting stuff done around the house is 10x easier when McCall's around to occupy the Rubster.)

Tuesday Night...

I can't sleep. I've been a little sick the past few days and my stuffy nose seems 100x worse when I lay down. For the past hour I've been lying awake in my bed barely breathing, with my mind racing through so many thoughts. Mostly my thoughts, for some reason, keep going back to a Tuesday night a little more than three months ago. The night my sweet Hughie decided to leave the comforts of my womb. Why? I still find myself wondering...would the outcome be different if he could have stayed inside longer? Probably not...but I still ask. And usually I find peace in the thought the he needed to come when he did or he wasn't going to make it at all. The events of that Tuesday night most likely allowed us to have some time with him to prepare to say goodbye...for now.

I remember being so scared that Tuesday night. When I finally woke Hugh up to tell him something was wrong, the contractions were coming quicker and stronger. I can remember Hugh asking me what we should take."Uh...uh...I don't know," I said through tears of panic and worry (I wish now I would have thought to bring the camera). So, we ended up taking nothing besides the clothes we were wearing, our phones, and wallets. I remember bringing Ruby up to my dad's room (she had found herself into our bed) and told him through my tears that he needed to watch her because we needed to go to the hospital. Ruby started crying as I left her. This broke my heart and made the tears flow harder. I hope my dad knows how grateful I am he was there to care for Ruby....and I now know that she settled down quickly once my dad turned on some cartoons for them to watch.

I remember driving to the hospital thinking they would stop my contractions, make sure Hughie was okay, and send us home. I remember the nurse giving me a shot of terbutaline that did stop the contractions and made me feel better. It was then that the resident came in to assess me and seemed just as shocked as I was when she informed me I was dilated to 4 or 5. It was then she said I was not going home and Hughie was coming sooner rather than later. I also remember the nurses re-assuring me that they weren't shocked I was so far dilated (at this point I was closer to a 6)...they had situations like mine before. After this, everything turned into a whirlwind. Another shot of terbutaline, then a shot of steroids to help Hughie's lungs mature, and then an ultrasound....which showed my little man was breech. Up to this point, Hughie was showing no signs of distress so the resident thought I would be fine just to labor and deliver normally. But, C-section it would be. I remember thinking, I can't do this. I am so scared. I did find some much needed relief when my doctor walked in...at 4 in the morning. Just knowing he had come in to deliver Hughie helped my head stop spinning.

I remember calling my sweet mom and telling her, once again through my tears, what was going on. She started crying too. Thank you mom for also rushing to help with Ruby, just knowing she was taken care of helped me get through. I remember Hugh calling his parents and telling them Hughie was coming. They rushed up to be at the hospital with us...I remember waking up after the surgery to them sitting at my side while Hugh went to check on our son. Is it any wonder that Heavenly Father instituted families?

I also remember Hugh saying a prayer for all three of us at some point...can't remember if it was before (everything literally happened so fast) or after. But I do remember my doctor walking in during our prayer. I also remember Hugh being by my side the whole time. I'm grateful I didn't have to do this alone.

I remember shaking, shaking, shaking, after and I couldn't stop. I think I was shivering a good 5 hours and visitors asking if I was cold. I wasn't. Just could't stop.

That Tuesday night brought me this on Wednesday morning...4:22 am to be exact...

He really is so sweet. Even looks a little like his sister. I can't stop thinking about him tonight. Just like that Tuesday night over three months ago, I can't sleep because of him.

And although the pain still lingers...it was all worth it.

Daddy's girl...and here is the evidence

{Ruby walking home from church}

Item One:

"Hugh will you get Ruby's church shoes on, I put them on the bathroom counter"

"Uh, Meg, Ruby wants to wear her chuck t's to church..."

I'm thinking, yea right, she can't vocalize her clothing preferences...sure enough when I went downstairs Ruby was clutching her red high tops, one in each hand. When I grabbed the white sunday shoes (a cheap find at Old Navy) she shook her head and ran to Hugh...And you can see who won the battle. Team Daddy :). It didn't help that today I picked a particularly frilly dress for her to wear.

{Ruby and Hugh "waiting" up for me}

Item Two:

Last week I worked a 6 hour shift from 7 pm-1am. Upon arriving home, I found these two sound asleep...watching soccer. No wonder she loves daddy...she gets to stay up late watching t.v.

Daughters of our Heavenly Father...

{an old picture I came across of me and my niece, Nain, at Arthur's law school graduation}

Today I felt uplifted as I sat in the third hour of church. Mostly because I was reminded that I am a daughter of God...who loves me...and all of us. How was I reminded? As I sat in my chair, I physically felt his love envelop me. Really. Just the lift I needed to get me through the upcoming week.

"Ruby can you get me some tissue to wipe your nose?"

off she trotted to get the tissue, while her lazy mom sat on the couch...and upon

her return, I looked up from what I was doing to this

then followed the trail to find this...what an obedient little child!

And her reward? A nose wipe with the tissue...sorry Ruby

Been thinking about Hughie...

Missing holding his sweet little hand.

It's been a cleaning sort of day...thought it might be more efficient to clean Ruby with a load of laundry. "Ya right, Mom!"

Why does it seem there is always so much to do but so little time. I have all these little projects in my mind that I want to complete, but by the time the house gets cleaned, pantry stocked, and dinner made (and most days scrounged together), it is time to go to bed and do it all over again. And throw a night shift in the mix, and its all over! I've been thinking I need to get more organized. Ruby sleeps in a bit in the mornings...so most days I do too. Maybe this could be a more productive time for me? Ruby and I don't really have any sort of schedule...we just wake-up and see how the day goes. Maybe we should come up with one? All these thoughts ran through my head while I was blow-drying my hair, when they were interrupted by Ruby yelling, "mommy, mommy, mommy" from the other room. She needed me right then to sit next to her and play with her. And then I realized, it really doesn't matter what I get done in a day...it really only matters that I spend quality time with my little Ruby who won't be little for much longer.

ALIEN INVASION!!

There is beauty all around...

{Ruby cooking me up some yummy breakfast for mother's day}

{all by herself...}

{or maybe she was being kept occupied one day while I was trying to make cookies}

I woke up this mother's day thinking about all the nice things Hugh and Ruby should be doing to celebrate me. And although Hugh did make me some delicious waffles this morning (thanks Hugh, for making me feel special)...I can't help ending this day feeling like I should be the one doing the thanking. Mostly, I'm thankful to Ruby and Hughie for making me a mother. I am the one blessed to have them...and lucky to be a mom. Nothing beats having a little buddy to help me make cookies.

I came across the mormon aid featuring Stephanie Nielson (nieniedialogues.com) the other day. In it she states that to her, motherhood is beauty. I can't get this out of my mind...nor can I help but notice the beauty surrounding me. I see it in my own mother. The way she teaches me to always do my best and to follow my heart. For giving me such a rich childhood that set me on track to succeed in life. I see it in my mother-in-law with her quiet strength and devotion to her family. I see it in Kristina the way she dedicates her mornings to practicing violins with her girls (the music they make uplifts the soul). I see it in Jasmine and her unwavering devotion to her daughter. I see it in Sarah and her trying to do what she thinks is best for her children, no matter the obstacles involved. Thanks to the mom's in my life...for making it beautiful.

This song would be on my life's soundtrack...if there was such a thing

From the lyrics to the melody,this song seems to express

the way I've been feeling lately.

"Pain throws your heart to the ground.

love turns the whole thing around.

no it won't all go the way it should.

but I know the heart of life is good."

A little cheesy, I know, but how I feel nonetheless :)

Go Jazz!!!

Really hoping D-Will and the gang can scrounge up a win tonight. Did anyone else love Ronnie P.'s hussle on the court last game. I'm cheering for him to have another good game. The Salt Lake Trib hit it dead on today when Kragthorpe wrote that there is something about the Lakers that brings out the spunk in Ronnie.

Although we can't be at the game and glued to the action like these two were while attending a regular season game...you can bet we will be glued to the T.V. tonight (that is if we can stand the ABC commentators drooling over Kobe and his gang) cheering on our UTAH JAZZ!

P.S. Let's hope Fes can do something productive...he gets paid enough.

Back to Normal...sort of

{photo booth fun}

I went back to work a couple weeks ago...which means I come home to photos like this. I think Ruby is pleased to have her one-on-one time with Dad back. Hugh is much better at simply playing and lounging with Ruby than I am. There is always something to clean or an errand to run when I'm around. My return to work has been good, overall. I find my eyes filling with tears numerous times during my shifts...and especially each time I pull-up to Primary's and look up at Hughie's NICU window. No longer is Primary Children's just where I work...it is my Hughie. Most of my memories made with him are in that special building. So there is something special about spending two days a week where my little man spent most of his short life. One day I hope to have the strength to go back into the NICU and give his wonderful nurses a big hug. Until then, I hope to be a better nurse to my sweet little patients. And although it seems our life is getting back to "normal", I can't help but know that I won't ever be the same again.

{Ruby refers to herself as a baby}