Family Trip to Zion.

This year we decided to head down to Zion over President's Weekend to spend time together as a family and celebrate our little Hughie's 3rd Birthday. Yes, I can hardly believe he would be three this year. Watching my kids get older makes me miss Hughie that much more. I can't help but think about Ruby not having her 3-year-old brother here to play with and boss around. Not to mention, Hank not having his big brother here to show him the ropes. But Hughie is a part of our lives all the same. I love how leading up to our trip Ruby kept talking about it as "our trip for Hughie's birthday". Ruby also talks regularly about his grave and can be heard at the store asking, "should be get this to put at Hughie's grave?" How wonderful it is to know he is and will always be a part of our family. 

Needless to say, we quite enjoyed our little trip to Zion. Hugh was glad we made it into the park all three days we were there. It was rejuvenating to be in the sunshine with clear skies and 60 degree weather. 

Ruby (Mary) enjoyed hiking, mostly the hikes where she had to "climb"...she thought the ones where we just walked got a bit boring. Ruby's hiking experience was especially enhanced by her pioneer outfit she wore pretty much the entire trip (the dress and bonnet was her Valentine gift). We do have a few photos to prove we did get her to wear something different one of the days. (Ruby continues to be on a Little House on the Prairie kick...and insists upon being called Mary.) We even made it to one of Gwen's soccer games...Ruby was pleased to get in some cousin time.

Hank enjoyed himself when he could walk on his own and throw rocks/dirt in the water. He would have been thrilled if we let him get in the water...he was pretty upset by our insistence that he stay dry. Some of the hikes were a bit scary to let him just run free, which led to many a fit from the Hankster on this trip. And man! Can he throw a fit! 

...until next time.

Two.

That's how old Hughie is today (well, in our time). Wow. Has it been that long? I think about Hughie everyday, but tonight as I went through all our pictures of Hughie, I thought about him differently. I missed him more. I remembered how sick he was, and all the pain came back with the memory of how much he must have endured while he lived. My usual day-to-day thoughts of him are more along the lines of, I wonder what he is doing? Is Hank like his big brother? If he were here, I would have a little two-year-old running around. With every picture of my little Hughie, I kept seeing Hank's face. Kindred spirits, I'm sure. 

Ruby meeting Hughie for the first time. 15 months.

It also struck me, that Hughie is almost a whole year older than Ruby was at his birth, she was 14 months. It is no illusion...time really is racing. 

Reflecting on Hughie's coming and going tonight, made me want to sneak into the kids' room, scoop them out of their beds, hold them, and never let go. It reminded me to be more patient and more loving as a mother. Hughie's birth put in perspective what is important, but only two years later I still need reminding. I'm grateful to my Hughie for being that reminder (and for each time your memory helps me refrain from snapping at your siblings, they are grateful too:). 

Happy Birthday, my sweet little man! I love you.

...also, your big sis is under the impression you are in the spirit world hanging out with baby sister. She loves you both. 

"Should we name her Gabriella?"

Ruby loves High School Musical. You should see her moves to all the songs...she's getting pretty good. Just last night we were asking Ruby what to name her "baby sister" and this is how it went:

Me: Ruby what should we name your baby sister?

Ruby: ummm....Gabriella? Should we do that mom? (if only you could hear how she says Gabriella...it's my dad's favorite)

Me: What if we have a baby brother?

Ruby: {pause} Should we name baby Hughie Troy?

And there you have it. This 30 second conversation revealed why Ruby is so set on having a baby sister...in her sweet little mind her baby brother is Hughie (who she wishes was named Troy).

{Ruby feeding the ducks at SugarHouse Park in March}

Babe #3 is lucky to have such a fun big sister!

A Great Easter.

Visiting Hughie's grave and bringing him a monkey...Ruby sang Hughie a beautiful round of "Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam" Her sweet voice is so tender and sweet.

Blowing Ruby's new bubbles for Hughie

Ruby looking darling in her Easter dress.

And Ruby's classic sandal style...double toeing it in her sandals.

Easter 20011.

Hughie has been on mind this weekend as I have been preparing for Easter tomorrow. I was getting Ruby's basket put together tonight and I couldn't help the huge smile on my face, which I didn't realize until Hugh said, "You are really excited for her to find that tomorrow." And he's right, I can't wait to see her little face light up as she surveys her goodies. Ruby and I also had fun picking out a few things for Hughie's grave. But, more importantly, I hope Ruby grows up understanding the real reason we celebrate Easter. Since Hughie's passing, my knowledge of Jesus Christ's resurrection has been a real source of peace for me during my mourning. As hard as it will be each year as Hughie's passing anniversary comes around, what a celebration Easter is to remember that just as Christ lives, so will my sweet son.

Tonight to open our Stake Conference, we sang "I Know That My Redeemer Lives". This has always been one of my favorite hymns. My sister Mal sang this at my Grandpa Meyer's funeral and I accompanied her. Once again, I was overcome with peace tonight as I sang this hymn with so many of my fellow saints. I was glad to be in the congregation. And even more grateful to celebrate Easter tomorrow. When I see Ruby's eyes light up when she find her Easter basket, it will remind me of the greater gift of Christ's Atonement and Resurrection. Which will then remind me of my Hughie.

March 14, 2010. We said goodbye to our little Hughie.

I miss Hughie everyday. I think about that last evening, alone with him and Hugh often....and yet, haven’t been able to write about this sacred experience. I do remember holding Hughie in my arms for as long as I wanted. He felt so good in my arms and I wanted time to stand still so I could stay in that moment forever. I also remember the moment Hugh and I looked at one another, both of us knowing, it was time to let go. Hugh and I sang some hymns as we spent our last hours with Hughie. I remember looking out the hospital window at the fast approaching evening sky....feeling a sense of peace with Hughie in my arms and Hugh’s arm around me. I received confirmation that night that we are indeed an eternal family. “Abide with Me; ‘Tis Eventide” was one of the songs we sang, and when I reflect on that Sunday evening in March, the words to this song describe perfectly, better than I could ever author, how I felt that evening...preparing to say goodbye.

Abide with me; ‘tis eventide. The day is past and gone;

The Shadows of the evening fall; The night is coming on.

Within my heart a welcome guest, Within my home abide.

Abide with me; ‘tis eventide. Thy walk today with me

Has made my heart within me burn, As I communed with thee.

Thy ernest words have filled my soul, And kept me near thy side

Abide with me; ‘tis eventide, And lone will be the night

If I cannot commune with thee, Nor find in thee my light.

The darkness of the world, I fear, Would in my home abide.

O Savior, stay this night with me; behold, ‘tis eventide.
O savior, stay this night with me; Behold, ‘tis eventide.

I am forever indebted to my sweet Hughie for bringing me closer to the Savior. For helping me better understand what the Plan of Salvation means for me and my family. Without the Savior, the tides of life are too much to take on. Hughie is alive. He is alive in my memories of him, alive in our family’s daily prayers and conversation, and he is “alive in Christ”....just as we all are.

“For, for this end was the law given; wherefore the law hath become dead unto us, and we are made alive in Christ because of our faith...” 2 Nephi 25:25

“For behold that all little children are alive in Christ...” Moroni 8:22

(I wrote this for the VW Sometimes last year. It's a family newsletter the Van Wagenen family puts together; sporadically, hence the name.)

Happy Birthday Hughie

In about an hour and half it will be my Hughie's birthday. I can hardly believe it has been a year since this little man changed my world. I miss him and love him. His cradle is still set-up in our room...now anxiously awaiting the arrival of his next sibling. I'm sure the two of them are together, which is a very sweet thought. Sometimes it is still hard to believe that Hughie's coming and going really happened...time stood still for those 3 1/2 weeks, and since he left, time has raced on.

I'm working tonight and have contemplated all week if I should wander up to the NICU where Hughie spent most of his life. I haven't made it up there...and not sure if I will be able to for a long time. It will make me miss him that much more. I did, however, run into the wonderful nurse that took care of him the day we said goodbye. Funny thing is, as I walked down the stairs to the cafeteria, the thought came to me, "what if I see Eve down there." Sure enough I did. I guess a part of the NICU came to me :). It was good to see her and say hi.

I love thinking about all of Hughie's unique little features. His cute hands and feet, his tiny chin and the way he held his mouth open with the ET tube, his low set ears, and the way he looked a little like his big sister. These pictures were taken before Hughie went to Primary Children's and before he got really sick and so puffy.

Happy birthday, Hughie! You are always close to our hearts and we are so glad you are a part of our family. Yesterday, your sister Ruby, picked out an Elmo balloon (I was hoping she would pick the cute Mickey Mouse one) to help us celebrate you today. We love you, always.

The BIG project is complete...with success.

What a special experience it was to be a part of the Festival of Trees this year. It means a lot to me in so many ways. Primary Children's has been my home away from home for the past three years. In 2008, being a brand new registered nurse, I started my nursing career on the wonderful Children's Surgical Unit at Primary's. Being a nurse at Primary's has really given me perspective on life, as I have taken care of so many strong and brave families and their sick children. To be honest, I never thought I could be as strong as so many of these parents with sick children are. And I guess deep down I hoped I would never have to find out.

That February (can you believe we are coming up on a year?) afternoon, when my Hughie was transferred to Primary's, I felt some comfort knowing he was going to be in a place that was familiar. As I sat at the crib side of my son for almost a month, suddenly, my role changed. I was no longer the nurse, but the worried mother anxiously hoping my son would survive. And although my sweet son's time was short, I am grateful he received such great care from the NICU doctors, nurses, and respiratory therapists. It's funny, as I often reflect on Hughie's condition, I realize at times it took me a while to really understand his condition, where had I been the nurse at his bedside, I would have realized what was going on a whole lot quicker. There is such a thing as nurse gear and mom gear :). Nevertheless, being a part of the Festival was a great way to keep Hughie's memory alive and to share a little part of him with the thousands of people who attended the festival. I couldn't have done any of this without great family and friends. I think it was therapeutic for all of us to work on this tree together. We had such a nice time the day we decorated...everyone was throwing up the decorations, I was stressing if they were going in the right spots, and low and behold, it turned out perfect.

A day doesn't go by that I don't hurt for Hughie. I don't think the longing to hold him and the homesickness for him will ever go away.

{Before the Fun Began!}

{The tree all complete..."Twinkle, twinkle, little star...take me where the cowboys are"}

{Hughie's sweet little hands}

{Busy getting all those ornaments on the tree}

{It really was a group effort}

{Ruby stayed occupied with dad, grandmas, aunts, and cousin Astrid...and climbing the ladder}

A little project....well, actually a BIG one.

Today I am busy at the sewing machine with Pandora playing Christmas music in the background, working on the cutest little ornaments for a Christmas tree. And this isn't just any Christmas tree...it's Hughie's tree for the Festival of Trees. For the past couple months I, with the help of my both my families, have been working on this project. I can't wait to see it all come together when we actually decorate the tree the Monday after Thanksgiving. I have my dad's good friends, The Zarbock's, to thank for helping us with this BIG project. It was their idea and it has been so nice to do something in honor of Hughie instead of just being sad and sorry for myself. So, if you make it to the festival this year, look for Hughie's tree.

Here a little peek at my inspiration for the tree:

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star....Take me where the cowboys are"

I would like to own this painting one day.

{Carl Bloch: Christ and Boy}

I love this painting. It distinctly stood out to me as I walked past it in the Draper Temple when our little Hughie had just passed away. Something about the little boy in this painting made me think of Hughie. I like to think of my Hugh William spending some of his time with the Savior. And I like to picture what he would be like as a little boy...not just a tiny infant trapped in an imperfect body. I guess these are some of the reasons I am so drawn to this painting. I may even like going to the Draper Temple just to spend a moment admiring this little treasure of mine.

**this tiny duplicate I found on google hardly does its beauty justice**

Where did the time go?

{July 2006}

This is going to be sappy. Today is 4 years that Hugh and I have been married. I just looked through some of our engagement pictures. It's funny how we had no idea then, what was in store for us and our marriage. I love Hugh. I feel blessed to have him by my side...and my gratitude for him was magnified this year as we went through the loss of our sweet Hughie together. It is hard to feel lucky when going through the most trying experience of your life.

I can remember sitting next to Hugh, with our hands clenched together, across the table from Hughie's doctors during one of the care conferences held on our son's behalf. Dr. Yost had just given us sobering news and his opinion about Hughie's MRI and left the room to give Hugh and me time to talk and soak everything in. My world was spinning. My heart was broken. But as I sat there with Hugh, and felt the strength of his love and faith, I suddenly felt lucky. I felt lucky that Hugh and I had this opportunity to grow together and rely on each other. Lucky that I had Hugh by my side...I knew at that moment, with him, I can get through anything. Lucky to know that he loves me and our children. Lucky to know that he is mine forever. And just as suddenly, I knew that everything was going to be okay.

Here's to 4 years...and many more!

My babies...

Ruby and I took a nap together to the other day. I woke up before she did and this is what I saw...

Her face reminded me of this little guy...It made my heart hurt...a lot.

But, there is not question...these two are siblings. From the moment I saw my little Hugh William in the NICU, something about him reminded me of Ruby. I think it was the the resemblance of their sleeping faces. I love my two babies...and often think about the others waiting to come.

Animation anyone?

Hugh and I have a love for animated films. We find the humor in them very funny, and often find that much of the dialogue is geared for the enjoyment of adults (well, that's what we tell ourselves.) Last night we went to see "Despicable Me" with Steve Carrell as "Gru's" voice....HILARIOUS! We loved it. Sitting next to Hugh, relishing in this fun little film, I realized that seeing these movies without Hugh wouldn't be half as much fun. It's fun laughing together. I've decided that animated films are kind of a hobby to us :). Even Ruby joins in the family fun and likes her own share of recent animated films (Kung Fu panda, The Bee Movie, Up, Cars, Princess and the Frog, Toy Story). Not to mention, she enjoyed munching on popcorn with us as we watched "Despicable Me" last night.

I think we realized how much we love animated films when we borrowed "UP" back in January from Hugh's dad. After watching "UP" as a family one night, all three of us (well four if you count little Hughie in my belly) cuddled up in our bed, we fell in love with it. Ruby was hooked! We proceeded to watch "UP" over and over again...funny thing is, it never got old. We were still on our "UP" kick when Hughie came. A couple weeks ago at work, I walked into my patient's room and she was watching "UP". I hadn't seen it for awhile (we gave the movie back to Hugh's dad) and I was totally caught off guard when I found myself suddenly overcome with emotion. Memories of watching "UP" with Ruby and being pregnant with Hughie rushed into my head. Tears welled in my eyes and all I wanted to do was sit in that room and watch "UP" and pretend I was still pregnant with Hughie, waiting for him to come. Because of this connection, this movie will always have a special place in my heart. If you haven't seen it, rent it....and check out "Despicable Me" you won't be sorry.

Tuesday Night...

I can't sleep. I've been a little sick the past few days and my stuffy nose seems 100x worse when I lay down. For the past hour I've been lying awake in my bed barely breathing, with my mind racing through so many thoughts. Mostly my thoughts, for some reason, keep going back to a Tuesday night a little more than three months ago. The night my sweet Hughie decided to leave the comforts of my womb. Why? I still find myself wondering...would the outcome be different if he could have stayed inside longer? Probably not...but I still ask. And usually I find peace in the thought the he needed to come when he did or he wasn't going to make it at all. The events of that Tuesday night most likely allowed us to have some time with him to prepare to say goodbye...for now.

I remember being so scared that Tuesday night. When I finally woke Hugh up to tell him something was wrong, the contractions were coming quicker and stronger. I can remember Hugh asking me what we should take."Uh...uh...I don't know," I said through tears of panic and worry (I wish now I would have thought to bring the camera). So, we ended up taking nothing besides the clothes we were wearing, our phones, and wallets. I remember bringing Ruby up to my dad's room (she had found herself into our bed) and told him through my tears that he needed to watch her because we needed to go to the hospital. Ruby started crying as I left her. This broke my heart and made the tears flow harder. I hope my dad knows how grateful I am he was there to care for Ruby....and I now know that she settled down quickly once my dad turned on some cartoons for them to watch.

I remember driving to the hospital thinking they would stop my contractions, make sure Hughie was okay, and send us home. I remember the nurse giving me a shot of terbutaline that did stop the contractions and made me feel better. It was then that the resident came in to assess me and seemed just as shocked as I was when she informed me I was dilated to 4 or 5. It was then she said I was not going home and Hughie was coming sooner rather than later. I also remember the nurses re-assuring me that they weren't shocked I was so far dilated (at this point I was closer to a 6)...they had situations like mine before. After this, everything turned into a whirlwind. Another shot of terbutaline, then a shot of steroids to help Hughie's lungs mature, and then an ultrasound....which showed my little man was breech. Up to this point, Hughie was showing no signs of distress so the resident thought I would be fine just to labor and deliver normally. But, C-section it would be. I remember thinking, I can't do this. I am so scared. I did find some much needed relief when my doctor walked in...at 4 in the morning. Just knowing he had come in to deliver Hughie helped my head stop spinning.

I remember calling my sweet mom and telling her, once again through my tears, what was going on. She started crying too. Thank you mom for also rushing to help with Ruby, just knowing she was taken care of helped me get through. I remember Hugh calling his parents and telling them Hughie was coming. They rushed up to be at the hospital with us...I remember waking up after the surgery to them sitting at my side while Hugh went to check on our son. Is it any wonder that Heavenly Father instituted families?

I also remember Hugh saying a prayer for all three of us at some point...can't remember if it was before (everything literally happened so fast) or after. But I do remember my doctor walking in during our prayer. I also remember Hugh being by my side the whole time. I'm grateful I didn't have to do this alone.

I remember shaking, shaking, shaking, after and I couldn't stop. I think I was shivering a good 5 hours and visitors asking if I was cold. I wasn't. Just could't stop.

That Tuesday night brought me this on Wednesday morning...4:22 am to be exact...

He really is so sweet. Even looks a little like his sister. I can't stop thinking about him tonight. Just like that Tuesday night over three months ago, I can't sleep because of him.

And although the pain still lingers...it was all worth it.

Been thinking about Hughie...

Missing holding his sweet little hand.

This song would be on my life's soundtrack...if there was such a thing

From the lyrics to the melody,this song seems to express

the way I've been feeling lately.

"Pain throws your heart to the ground.

love turns the whole thing around.

no it won't all go the way it should.

but I know the heart of life is good."

A little cheesy, I know, but how I feel nonetheless :)

This little man has been on my mind...a lot. His due date is today, April 16th. I find myself re-living his three and half week earthly existence over and over in my mind. I never want to forget the way he smelled, the way I felt his blonde hairs on my lips when giving him kisses on his head, the way he pulled his arms up to his chin, and mostly the way I felt sitting next to him. I longed to hold and cuddle him....and I think I always will. It seemed like forever as we floated through those three and half weeks, and now looking back it seems it all happened in the blink of an eye. He just needed to drop by, say hi, and remind me what is important in life. I miss him, but my sweet and tender memories of him help replace the void with joy and hope. I love you, Hughie.

{Hugh holding our precious son}

{Hughie surrounded by many loving family members}

{Even Mr. Monkey had to be close by}

{Tender touch of dad's hand}

{Reading to Hughie and enjoying our time to hold him}

{Little Hughie}

{Family Portrait}

{We love you, Hughie}

{Sibling moment}

{A kiss from Smee}

Thank you, Drew, for capturing so perfectly our family time with Hughie. These pictures were taken Sunday, March 14th, before our sweet Hughie passed away. Hughie received a beautiful blessing from his father, Hugh. Those in the circle were: Bishop Beardall, Grandpa Sterling, Grandpa Scott, Great-Grandpa Tovey, Uncles Mike, Arthur and Andrew. Hughie was surrounded by many loving family members on Sunday, I am so grateful for our families.

Today, as I rocked Ruby before her nap it felt good to hold her close. I feel grateful to have a baby (yet, one who is growing at an ever rapid rate) at home to help me through the many rough days ahead. And although I am so very grateful to have my dear little Ruby, she can't fill the hole I have in my heart for my little Hughie. After Hughie's funeral, Hugh and I both felt comforted and at peace. The funeral service and burial were beautiful and a perfect tribute to our sweet son. Hughie was buried in the most beautiful hand-crafted wood casket, which was made just for Hughie by loving hands...thank you Kathe and Mike. But during the weekend, an immense sadness set in and I felt empty without my son. A friend in my ward, who has also experienced the loss of a baby, used the word "homesick" to describe the times she longed for her angel baby girl. Homesick is the best way to describe how I feel for my Hughie. I just wish I could spend a little more time with him, hold him a little longer, and have him physically in our home. But I do know that Hughie's sweet spirit will always be in our home, as long as we create a home where his spirit feels welcome and appreciated. I do feel blessed to have such a special gift.

I haven't been able to document, in written form, any of the events that have transpired over the past week and a half. Words just can't do my feelings and emotions justice. I am glad I have so many pictures (thanks again Drew!) from Hughie's last day to remind me how I felt and the wonderful spirit that was present.

It has also been hard to blog this past week, because Hughie had been my main topic of interest. It was so therapeutic for me to come home from the hospital and update the world wide web on Hughie's condition. Last Monday was a harsh reality when I realized I wasn't waking up to go to the hospital to sit next to Hughie. It actually feels good right now to type this post about him. I am finding that it helps my healing to talk about my little man. Talking about him keeps him close to my heart, even though it will be awhile before I can physically hold him close to my heart.

I miss Hughie so much. As grateful as I am for the tender mercies I've received over the past four weeks, I often just wish I had my son in my arms. It was very painful at times watching Hughie go through so much, but the pain lingers as I try to carry-on without him here. Part of me (the part that may be in a little bit of denial) feels like I am still pregnant and Hughie hasn't been born yet. Crazy, I know, but it takes time for everything to sink in. At Hughie's viewing, a family friend of Hugh's asked me what was the hardest part. There were many difficult moments...but there is one thing that has plagued my mind since Hughie's birth. I wish so badly I could have been with him his first moments of life. What was he like before he was intubated? What did his cry sound like? Did he cry at all? Did he move around? How sick was he right when he was born? Along with these thoughts that run through my head, I mostly just wish I could have held him in the comfort of my arms after he left the comfort of my womb. I wish I could have shown him immediately how much I love him. I wish he could have nursed just once. I wish he didn't have to lay in that hospital bed alone without his mother close by. I know I can't change any of this, and things happened the way they needed to in order to keep Hughie alive. But as a mother, putting my son's care in the trust of others was hard and unnatural. It gives me great comfort to know that I will have the opportunity to raise my son in the life to come. I love you, Hughie...

Goodnight, sleep tight, and pleasant dreams to you

Here's a wish, and a prayer, that all your dreams come true

And now, till we meet again...

Adios, au revoir, auf wiedersehen...goodnight!

{My dad sang this to me, I sing it to Ruby, Hugh and I sang it to Hughie}