Time. 

Why is time going so fast? I can hardly believe it is almost June! I've been so lazy about documenting our lives these days. A few weeks back, Ruby and I went through some of the posts I wrote when she was Hank's age. It was fun for both us! I was reminded of her cute nature and the funny things she said, and Ruby loved reading about herself as a baby. It made me want to do a better job of documenting the happenings of our family.

These pictures were taken back in April during General Conference. Ruby and Hank are doing some conference crafts that Ruby and I picked out. I love these pictures because they remind me how content I felt that Sunday morning sitting in our little condo, feeling the spirit of conference, watching my two kiddos enjoy some quiet time together (granted, it didn't last long), and feeling very blessed for my little family and for the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life.

To the grocery store we go.

One too many times each week. Why is it that I always forget something? I'm sure my lack of organization has something to do with it...but until I'm ready to commit to that truth, I blame the kids.

28.

{Me and my right hand gal blowing out my birthday candles}

I turned 28 this week. Only two years left of my twenties....wow! Being so close to 30 is a bit weird...I remember when my mom turned 30.  It's no secret that I love birthdays...I blame my mom :) She always made our birthdays a big deal....every year waking up to a balloon bouquet (mom, remember your wood stand and plastic balloon sticks?) and gifts on the table. I still look forward to my birthday with giddy schoolgirl excitement (cheesy, but true). And I must say, 28 was a great birthday. Thanks to all my family and friends for making my day so special.

The celebrating started on the weekend, so when my real birthday came around on Monday, Ruby exclaimed, "Mom! You get two birthdays!" I think she was just as excited for my birthday as I was...this made me happiest of all. I loved opening the gift(s) she picked out for me...a whistle (which I'm still wondering if this was more of a gift for herself?), some easter window decorations, a fancy pancake pan that imprints bugs on your pancakes, and a package of reese's peanut butter cup eggs. When I asked Hugh how she picked these items, he informed me that her first priority was to get me a whistle, and the rest she just happened to come across at the store. Imagining her at the store picking stuff out makes me smile.

Here's to 28...I hope to make this year a good one!

Rituals.

Sometimes I stress about not having my kids more on a schedule. If you were to ask me what time does Hank take naps, I couldn't really tell ya....other than usually sometime in the morning and then cat naps throughout the day. And his morning nap usually depends on when we wake up that day, sometimes 8:00 am, other times 9:00 am, and if I am really lucky, 10:00 am. Yes, we do occasionally sleep in until 10...which usually means I wake up earlier and think, Oh, the kids are still asleep, I should get out of bed and get something done....only to fall asleep a little longer until someone needs me and then my chances of getting something done are slim to none. A sad tale...I know. One day I will change my ways, and be the motivated morning Meg of the past (she mysteriously disappeared once Hugh was in the picture :). 

But, the other day I had an epiphany. We may not be big schedule people, but we do have daily rituals we can count on. Every day I can pretty much predict these things:

1. Ruby waking me up by asking me to A. Come play with her, and when that doesn't get me up B. Lets go get breakfast.

2.When it is time to go somewhere, I can count on Ruby having a fit that the seams of her socks are hurting her. I try to fix the socks and when that doesn't work, I distract her with some fruit snack.

3. Ruby asking me if she can watch a show while she eats breakfast. Her favorites these days: Caillou, Olivia, and Max and Ruby.

4. Telling Ruby to go pick out some clothes for the day, her telling me she wants me to pick them out with her, followed by her hating any of my suggestions. I usually storm out of her room while telling her, This is why I wanted you to pick out your clothes in the first place. 

6. Putting Ruby to bed, and her asking, Where are we going tomorrow, mom? Going to bed must be easier when she knows the plan for the next day. 

5. My very favorite,  giving Ruby her vitamins, and her asking, Do you want to play soccer? Ever since I added vitamin D to Ruby's vita-regime, we play gummy soccer every morning. Her cup or bowl serve as the goal, and then we each take a turn at scoring and the other blocking. To score, your gummy bear has to kick the gummy ball so it hits the cup. Once we've each scored, the game is over. And she eats the vitamins. It all started when she told me the new vitamin looked like a ball.

And she always asks, What color do you want to be?

Sundays.

I always look forward to them. Especially when Hank is wearing his bow-tie.

Hank in his first real church outfit from Grandma Suzi (bow-tie made by McCall).

...nice change from his usual sweats and striped onesie.

Ruby and Hank after Ruby's first day in Primary...she loves it!

And, we all love Call.

By the end of another week, I am usually in need of a re-charge and a reminder of what makes my life full. Going to church each week does this for me and I almost always leave feeling uplifted and ready to take on another week. Ruby feels it to...she frequently asks when she gets to go back to Primary.

A few weeks back I was told that while the Primary was singing, Scripture Power, Ruby scrambled through her bag to pull out her Book of Mormon. By the time she got it out, the song was over. Too funny. And too bad they couldn't sing it again.

We're all a bit {a lot} tired these days.

And somehow, today...I was able to get Ruby and Hank down for naps at the same time. Thank goodness for the small feats in life.

I love this girl.

...And her funny obsession with photo booth. She can navigate it all on her own and likes finding the fun backgrounds. I also love how she randomly came up to me tonight, gave me a hug, and said, "I love you, mom." I'd say she is the perfect mix of spunky and sweet (but I may be a bit biased).

Hugh is gone on a scout camp tonight and usually when Hugh is gone for a night I like to find something "fun" to do to make the evening go faster. I had hopes of making it up to Park City tonight because the weather and scenery have been gorgeous...but we ended up just chilling at home (poor Hank is not feeling so hot after his immunizations today). Ruby, Hank, and I cuddled up together and watched "Mars Needs Moms" and then ate some leftovers...not real exciting, but I realized how nice it is to just stay home and enjoy my kids. Earlier I was feeling a little bummed we didn't have grand plans, but after our quiet little evening...I wouldn't have had it any other way. I can always use a reminder to slow down, relax, and enjoy the ride. Tonight was one of them.

"Stop this train..."

{Hank and I are now Ruby's photo booth buddies since McCall left...we sure do miss her}

"...I can't take the pace it's moving in."

This John Mayer song is stuck in my head....I think mostly because I wish I could freeze time for just awhile. Watching Hank grow, I realize in a blink of an eye he will be running around this place just like his big sis...and by then, who knows what Ruby will be up to! Both these kiddos looked so sweet tonight...fast asleep in their beds. I feel like the luckiest girl in the whole world that they are mine. Time goes so fast. A good reminder to stop and enjoy each day and each moment. I tend to always be in a rush and looking forward to the next thing. Not a good habit when you have kids growing up at lightening speed. I sure do love these two. Can someone stop this train?

Why Ruby's Dad Rocks!

{Ruby carefully picking out a movie with her daddy}

He sets up the tent and blows up the air mattress for a little backyard campout. And let's Ruby choose whatever movie she wants. So be it, we all got to enjoy "The Care Bear Movie" snuggled close together. Ruby was in heaven. I may have been pretty pleased myself (minus having to watch the Care Bear movie :).

Happy Father's Day Hugh!

And a shout out to the other great dads in Ruby's life..."Butka" Scott and "Butka" Sterling. We are all so blessed to have these two in our lives. I'm glad we have these holidays to reflect on the important people who help us get through this crazy thing called life.

March 14, 2010. We said goodbye to our little Hughie.

I miss Hughie everyday. I think about that last evening, alone with him and Hugh often....and yet, haven’t been able to write about this sacred experience. I do remember holding Hughie in my arms for as long as I wanted. He felt so good in my arms and I wanted time to stand still so I could stay in that moment forever. I also remember the moment Hugh and I looked at one another, both of us knowing, it was time to let go. Hugh and I sang some hymns as we spent our last hours with Hughie. I remember looking out the hospital window at the fast approaching evening sky....feeling a sense of peace with Hughie in my arms and Hugh’s arm around me. I received confirmation that night that we are indeed an eternal family. “Abide with Me; ‘Tis Eventide” was one of the songs we sang, and when I reflect on that Sunday evening in March, the words to this song describe perfectly, better than I could ever author, how I felt that evening...preparing to say goodbye.

Abide with me; ‘tis eventide. The day is past and gone;

The Shadows of the evening fall; The night is coming on.

Within my heart a welcome guest, Within my home abide.

Abide with me; ‘tis eventide. Thy walk today with me

Has made my heart within me burn, As I communed with thee.

Thy ernest words have filled my soul, And kept me near thy side

Abide with me; ‘tis eventide, And lone will be the night

If I cannot commune with thee, Nor find in thee my light.

The darkness of the world, I fear, Would in my home abide.

O Savior, stay this night with me; behold, ‘tis eventide.
O savior, stay this night with me; Behold, ‘tis eventide.

I am forever indebted to my sweet Hughie for bringing me closer to the Savior. For helping me better understand what the Plan of Salvation means for me and my family. Without the Savior, the tides of life are too much to take on. Hughie is alive. He is alive in my memories of him, alive in our family’s daily prayers and conversation, and he is “alive in Christ”....just as we all are.

“For, for this end was the law given; wherefore the law hath become dead unto us, and we are made alive in Christ because of our faith...” 2 Nephi 25:25

“For behold that all little children are alive in Christ...” Moroni 8:22

(I wrote this for the VW Sometimes last year. It's a family newsletter the Van Wagenen family puts together; sporadically, hence the name.)

Where did the time go?

{July 2006}

This is going to be sappy. Today is 4 years that Hugh and I have been married. I just looked through some of our engagement pictures. It's funny how we had no idea then, what was in store for us and our marriage. I love Hugh. I feel blessed to have him by my side...and my gratitude for him was magnified this year as we went through the loss of our sweet Hughie together. It is hard to feel lucky when going through the most trying experience of your life.

I can remember sitting next to Hugh, with our hands clenched together, across the table from Hughie's doctors during one of the care conferences held on our son's behalf. Dr. Yost had just given us sobering news and his opinion about Hughie's MRI and left the room to give Hugh and me time to talk and soak everything in. My world was spinning. My heart was broken. But as I sat there with Hugh, and felt the strength of his love and faith, I suddenly felt lucky. I felt lucky that Hugh and I had this opportunity to grow together and rely on each other. Lucky that I had Hugh by my side...I knew at that moment, with him, I can get through anything. Lucky to know that he loves me and our children. Lucky to know that he is mine forever. And just as suddenly, I knew that everything was going to be okay.

Here's to 4 years...and many more!

Catch me if you can...

Tuesday Night...

I can't sleep. I've been a little sick the past few days and my stuffy nose seems 100x worse when I lay down. For the past hour I've been lying awake in my bed barely breathing, with my mind racing through so many thoughts. Mostly my thoughts, for some reason, keep going back to a Tuesday night a little more than three months ago. The night my sweet Hughie decided to leave the comforts of my womb. Why? I still find myself wondering...would the outcome be different if he could have stayed inside longer? Probably not...but I still ask. And usually I find peace in the thought the he needed to come when he did or he wasn't going to make it at all. The events of that Tuesday night most likely allowed us to have some time with him to prepare to say goodbye...for now.

I remember being so scared that Tuesday night. When I finally woke Hugh up to tell him something was wrong, the contractions were coming quicker and stronger. I can remember Hugh asking me what we should take."Uh...uh...I don't know," I said through tears of panic and worry (I wish now I would have thought to bring the camera). So, we ended up taking nothing besides the clothes we were wearing, our phones, and wallets. I remember bringing Ruby up to my dad's room (she had found herself into our bed) and told him through my tears that he needed to watch her because we needed to go to the hospital. Ruby started crying as I left her. This broke my heart and made the tears flow harder. I hope my dad knows how grateful I am he was there to care for Ruby....and I now know that she settled down quickly once my dad turned on some cartoons for them to watch.

I remember driving to the hospital thinking they would stop my contractions, make sure Hughie was okay, and send us home. I remember the nurse giving me a shot of terbutaline that did stop the contractions and made me feel better. It was then that the resident came in to assess me and seemed just as shocked as I was when she informed me I was dilated to 4 or 5. It was then she said I was not going home and Hughie was coming sooner rather than later. I also remember the nurses re-assuring me that they weren't shocked I was so far dilated (at this point I was closer to a 6)...they had situations like mine before. After this, everything turned into a whirlwind. Another shot of terbutaline, then a shot of steroids to help Hughie's lungs mature, and then an ultrasound....which showed my little man was breech. Up to this point, Hughie was showing no signs of distress so the resident thought I would be fine just to labor and deliver normally. But, C-section it would be. I remember thinking, I can't do this. I am so scared. I did find some much needed relief when my doctor walked in...at 4 in the morning. Just knowing he had come in to deliver Hughie helped my head stop spinning.

I remember calling my sweet mom and telling her, once again through my tears, what was going on. She started crying too. Thank you mom for also rushing to help with Ruby, just knowing she was taken care of helped me get through. I remember Hugh calling his parents and telling them Hughie was coming. They rushed up to be at the hospital with us...I remember waking up after the surgery to them sitting at my side while Hugh went to check on our son. Is it any wonder that Heavenly Father instituted families?

I also remember Hugh saying a prayer for all three of us at some point...can't remember if it was before (everything literally happened so fast) or after. But I do remember my doctor walking in during our prayer. I also remember Hugh being by my side the whole time. I'm grateful I didn't have to do this alone.

I remember shaking, shaking, shaking, after and I couldn't stop. I think I was shivering a good 5 hours and visitors asking if I was cold. I wasn't. Just could't stop.

That Tuesday night brought me this on Wednesday morning...4:22 am to be exact...

He really is so sweet. Even looks a little like his sister. I can't stop thinking about him tonight. Just like that Tuesday night over three months ago, I can't sleep because of him.

And although the pain still lingers...it was all worth it.

It's been a cleaning sort of day...thought it might be more efficient to clean Ruby with a load of laundry. "Ya right, Mom!"

Why does it seem there is always so much to do but so little time. I have all these little projects in my mind that I want to complete, but by the time the house gets cleaned, pantry stocked, and dinner made (and most days scrounged together), it is time to go to bed and do it all over again. And throw a night shift in the mix, and its all over! I've been thinking I need to get more organized. Ruby sleeps in a bit in the mornings...so most days I do too. Maybe this could be a more productive time for me? Ruby and I don't really have any sort of schedule...we just wake-up and see how the day goes. Maybe we should come up with one? All these thoughts ran through my head while I was blow-drying my hair, when they were interrupted by Ruby yelling, "mommy, mommy, mommy" from the other room. She needed me right then to sit next to her and play with her. And then I realized, it really doesn't matter what I get done in a day...it really only matters that I spend quality time with my little Ruby who won't be little for much longer.

There is beauty all around...

{Ruby cooking me up some yummy breakfast for mother's day}

{all by herself...}

{or maybe she was being kept occupied one day while I was trying to make cookies}

I woke up this mother's day thinking about all the nice things Hugh and Ruby should be doing to celebrate me. And although Hugh did make me some delicious waffles this morning (thanks Hugh, for making me feel special)...I can't help ending this day feeling like I should be the one doing the thanking. Mostly, I'm thankful to Ruby and Hughie for making me a mother. I am the one blessed to have them...and lucky to be a mom. Nothing beats having a little buddy to help me make cookies.

I came across the mormon aid featuring Stephanie Nielson (nieniedialogues.com) the other day. In it she states that to her, motherhood is beauty. I can't get this out of my mind...nor can I help but notice the beauty surrounding me. I see it in my own mother. The way she teaches me to always do my best and to follow my heart. For giving me such a rich childhood that set me on track to succeed in life. I see it in my mother-in-law with her quiet strength and devotion to her family. I see it in Kristina the way she dedicates her mornings to practicing violins with her girls (the music they make uplifts the soul). I see it in Jasmine and her unwavering devotion to her daughter. I see it in Sarah and her trying to do what she thinks is best for her children, no matter the obstacles involved. Thanks to the mom's in my life...for making it beautiful.

This song would be on my life's soundtrack...if there was such a thing

From the lyrics to the melody,this song seems to express

the way I've been feeling lately.

"Pain throws your heart to the ground.

love turns the whole thing around.

no it won't all go the way it should.

but I know the heart of life is good."

A little cheesy, I know, but how I feel nonetheless :)

Back to Normal...sort of

{photo booth fun}

I went back to work a couple weeks ago...which means I come home to photos like this. I think Ruby is pleased to have her one-on-one time with Dad back. Hugh is much better at simply playing and lounging with Ruby than I am. There is always something to clean or an errand to run when I'm around. My return to work has been good, overall. I find my eyes filling with tears numerous times during my shifts...and especially each time I pull-up to Primary's and look up at Hughie's NICU window. No longer is Primary Children's just where I work...it is my Hughie. Most of my memories made with him are in that special building. So there is something special about spending two days a week where my little man spent most of his short life. One day I hope to have the strength to go back into the NICU and give his wonderful nurses a big hug. Until then, I hope to be a better nurse to my sweet little patients. And although it seems our life is getting back to "normal", I can't help but know that I won't ever be the same again.

{Ruby refers to herself as a baby}

{ Aren't these three just gorgeous? }

Siblings....one of the greatest blessings on Earth. Just thinking about my two sisters makes me smile. I love them. Because I love me sisters so much, it really hurts to think about Ruby not having her baby brother around. This is why Ruby and Hughie are so close in age (14 months since Hughie decided to come early), because we wanted her to have a sibling soon. She will have to wait for the blessing of having a sibling here on earth. I miss not having Hughie in my arms, but even more, I will miss not watching Ruby and Hughie run around the backyard together, Hughie trying to do everything his big sister does, Ruby bossing Hughie around and trying to play dress up with him, and watching my two children develop a bond that compares to none other. They say patience is a virtue...I guess it is time for me to practice it. Hopefully I can help Ruby develop a relationship with her brother that may not be tangible, but real none the less.

Today, I have been thinking about some of my favorite sibling memories:

MEG and MAL {21 months apart}: Since we were little, we have been instant friends. (just minus our short stint in high school together and we let sharing a bathroom come between us...glad we made it through that!). We would play all day long in our own make-believe world. We shared a room and would often put all our clothes on each of our beds (pretending to be a Gap store) and then have pretend customers come up to our pretend cash wrap to purchase their outfits. We even used the window in our room as a drive-up window for customers to buy yummy Big Macs. I guess the spirit of consumerism caught on at an early age. I can even remember playing "The Price is Right" mimicking some of the games with items from our pantry. Life seemed much easier when we were make-believing. Mal would often tell me that I could be the boss, but she was in charge...and I naively would say "Okay!". My favorite memories with my dear Mal is our time spent together at BYU. We never lived together (we learned from our high school experience), but we spent many lunches in the Cougar Eat and study time in the "No sssh!" zone of the Lee Library together. I will never forget waiting for Mal to meet me for lunch, and watching her bound towards me with her humongous backpack...I think she had every book she owned in that thing! Ah...the zeal of a freshman :). Now that freshman will graduate this August with a master degree in Marriage Family Therapy. I am so proud of you, Mal. I always have been and always will be.

MEG and MCCALL {9 years apart}: I can remember being so excited that we were adding another sibling to our family. My mom did not find out the gender of McCall, so we were hoping to have a brother. My dad came to pick us up from school to go meet our new sibling, and I can remember being in the middle of the lunch line, grabbing a roll, when Mrs. Crowther whisked me away so I could leave with my dad. He gave us the news that our new baby was a girl and Mal blurted out "Oh, shoot!" (you'll never live that down, Mal!). But from the moment we held her in the Cottonwood Hospital maternity ward, we fell in love. We were just glad she had come. We often fought over who got to feed her, hold her, take her out during Sacrament, etc...She became our instant friend. When Mal and I would leave for school, my mom would have to stop McCall from trying to follow us. She would say "I want to go to school with the guys." We were 'the guys' to her probably because that is what my mom would say..."come on, guys." I remember taking Call and her friend Lindsay to the pool and watching Call be-bop around in the water. I remember in middle school when I had to babysit Call, which meant my friends would come over and hang-out at my house. McCall loved playing with my friends...especially the boys and even had a crush on my friend Saul. So funny! My best memories with Call have been made this past year living with her at my dad's. I find myself counting down the time for school to get out each day so she will be home to hang-out with me and Ruby. I hate it the days she has to work. I love how good she is with Ruby, and how Ruby thinks she is just "one of the guys" with McCall and her friends. You have a bright future ahead, Call. I can't wait to see what is in store!

I look forward to my children making great memories together..

This little man has been on my mind...a lot. His due date is today, April 16th. I find myself re-living his three and half week earthly existence over and over in my mind. I never want to forget the way he smelled, the way I felt his blonde hairs on my lips when giving him kisses on his head, the way he pulled his arms up to his chin, and mostly the way I felt sitting next to him. I longed to hold and cuddle him....and I think I always will. It seemed like forever as we floated through those three and half weeks, and now looking back it seems it all happened in the blink of an eye. He just needed to drop by, say hi, and remind me what is important in life. I miss him, but my sweet and tender memories of him help replace the void with joy and hope. I love you, Hughie.

{Hugh holding our precious son}

{Hughie surrounded by many loving family members}

{Even Mr. Monkey had to be close by}

{Tender touch of dad's hand}

{Reading to Hughie and enjoying our time to hold him}

{Little Hughie}

{Family Portrait}

{We love you, Hughie}

{Sibling moment}

{A kiss from Smee}

Thank you, Drew, for capturing so perfectly our family time with Hughie. These pictures were taken Sunday, March 14th, before our sweet Hughie passed away. Hughie received a beautiful blessing from his father, Hugh. Those in the circle were: Bishop Beardall, Grandpa Sterling, Grandpa Scott, Great-Grandpa Tovey, Uncles Mike, Arthur and Andrew. Hughie was surrounded by many loving family members on Sunday, I am so grateful for our families.

Today, as I rocked Ruby before her nap it felt good to hold her close. I feel grateful to have a baby (yet, one who is growing at an ever rapid rate) at home to help me through the many rough days ahead. And although I am so very grateful to have my dear little Ruby, she can't fill the hole I have in my heart for my little Hughie. After Hughie's funeral, Hugh and I both felt comforted and at peace. The funeral service and burial were beautiful and a perfect tribute to our sweet son. Hughie was buried in the most beautiful hand-crafted wood casket, which was made just for Hughie by loving hands...thank you Kathe and Mike. But during the weekend, an immense sadness set in and I felt empty without my son. A friend in my ward, who has also experienced the loss of a baby, used the word "homesick" to describe the times she longed for her angel baby girl. Homesick is the best way to describe how I feel for my Hughie. I just wish I could spend a little more time with him, hold him a little longer, and have him physically in our home. But I do know that Hughie's sweet spirit will always be in our home, as long as we create a home where his spirit feels welcome and appreciated. I do feel blessed to have such a special gift.

I haven't been able to document, in written form, any of the events that have transpired over the past week and a half. Words just can't do my feelings and emotions justice. I am glad I have so many pictures (thanks again Drew!) from Hughie's last day to remind me how I felt and the wonderful spirit that was present.

It has also been hard to blog this past week, because Hughie had been my main topic of interest. It was so therapeutic for me to come home from the hospital and update the world wide web on Hughie's condition. Last Monday was a harsh reality when I realized I wasn't waking up to go to the hospital to sit next to Hughie. It actually feels good right now to type this post about him. I am finding that it helps my healing to talk about my little man. Talking about him keeps him close to my heart, even though it will be awhile before I can physically hold him close to my heart.

I miss Hughie so much. As grateful as I am for the tender mercies I've received over the past four weeks, I often just wish I had my son in my arms. It was very painful at times watching Hughie go through so much, but the pain lingers as I try to carry-on without him here. Part of me (the part that may be in a little bit of denial) feels like I am still pregnant and Hughie hasn't been born yet. Crazy, I know, but it takes time for everything to sink in. At Hughie's viewing, a family friend of Hugh's asked me what was the hardest part. There were many difficult moments...but there is one thing that has plagued my mind since Hughie's birth. I wish so badly I could have been with him his first moments of life. What was he like before he was intubated? What did his cry sound like? Did he cry at all? Did he move around? How sick was he right when he was born? Along with these thoughts that run through my head, I mostly just wish I could have held him in the comfort of my arms after he left the comfort of my womb. I wish I could have shown him immediately how much I love him. I wish he could have nursed just once. I wish he didn't have to lay in that hospital bed alone without his mother close by. I know I can't change any of this, and things happened the way they needed to in order to keep Hughie alive. But as a mother, putting my son's care in the trust of others was hard and unnatural. It gives me great comfort to know that I will have the opportunity to raise my son in the life to come. I love you, Hughie...

Goodnight, sleep tight, and pleasant dreams to you

Here's a wish, and a prayer, that all your dreams come true

And now, till we meet again...

Adios, au revoir, auf wiedersehen...goodnight!

{My dad sang this to me, I sing it to Ruby, Hugh and I sang it to Hughie}