It's a girl!

Mathilda Rose Van Wagenen

7 lbs 7 oz

19.5 in

6:44 pm

How I loved meeting that little face for the first time. And after much yelling and screaming while pushing her out, it was a much welcome moment to have her on my chest and in my arms. Once again, I feel so blessed she arrived safe and sound...and just perfect. I could (and do) stare at her petite, girly features all day. She was almost a whole pound bigger than my other kids; and yet, she still looks so small. 

Hugh and I were both grateful that Mathilda decided to come during the day...it made for a much less exhausting labor and delivery. Look how bright eyed Hugh is! I hardly recognized him without the hoodie he wore while I birthed our other three children :). I'm so grateful for Hugh and the team we've become, four kids later. 

Mathilda made a certain big sister very happy. I will never forget how sweet Ruby looked as she walked into the hospital room to meet her long awaited for sister. Ruby looked so grown-up in her red dress and little purse...the purse she filled with her own hair bows to give to Mathilda. Ruby proudly pushed Mathilda with Hugh as we moved rooms to the postpartum floor. It warmed my heart. 

Mathilda's doting grandmas.

The joyful chaos that ensued once we were all reunited in my hospital room. Hank did acknowledge his new sister, but he was far more interested in the buttons on my bed. 

 I'm scared about going home too, Tildy. Let's hope we all survive :). 

39 weeks and waiting...

For this sweet little babe to make its debut. For the past week, I wake up each morning thinking...maybe today is the day. I need to relax and realize this babe is going to come when he/she is good and ready. Besides, my due date (which really is arbitrary anyway) isn't until this Friday. I've been set on the thought that this babe would come before its due date...teach me once again, these children of mine have their own plans and agendas :) I haven't been sleeping great...combination excitement and discomfort. I love thinking about this little one and can't wait to hold this babe in my arms.

Ruby is getting excited too. Last week Hugh and I sat Roo down to give her the low-down for when this baby decides to come. We told her when the baby starts coming she will go to Grandma Suzi's and once the baby is here, she will come to the hospital to meet her new sibling. She liked this idea. Hugh proceeded to explain how the baby will come out (...while he's talking, I'm thinking, this is not pertinent to her little brain.) He explained my tummy is a big muscle which is going to push the baby out. Ruby listened, nodded, then resumed playing with her toys. Later that evening:

Ruby: "Mom, is the baby muscling?"

Me: "What?" (not sure what she is talking about)

Ruby: "Muscling out?"

Me: lauging (finally clicks what she is talking about) "No not yet, Ruby."

Ruby: "Let's go talk about that again."

I think she was hoping it was time to go play at Grandma Suzi's. Funny little girl...with a funny dad who doesn't underestimate that little mind of hers.

Nesting. It has begun.

The past couple of weeks I have been getting things in order around the house to welcome our little baby home. It has made me so happy and given me a much needed renewal of energy. Months ago I cut squares from fabric I bought for a baby blanket, and thanks to my mom's new sewing machine, finally turned those squares into a blanket for babe #3. I'm quite happy with the way it turned out. I washed blankets, clothes, burp cloths, and onesies this week to have ready. And there is a pile of items accumulating on my dresser that I want to bring with me to the hospital....my favorites are the two outfits to bring our babe home in. Which will it be...girl one or boy one? I also ordered some gender neutral swaddling blankets that came in the mail the other day, and as I unwrapped them Ruby quickly stated, "those are for the boy, mom." Clearly the absence of pink or purple makes them unsuitable for a girl :). I should mention that lately, Ruby is under the impression we are bringing two babies home. Baby Hughie and a baby sister. The confusion started when I continually reminded her that the baby might not be a girl, but a boy. The thought that a boy means her brother Hughie, remains firm in her sweet little mind...along with the thought that we are having a "baby sister"; therefore, two babies.

I am feeling ready for this little babe to come...quite excited, actually. This pregnancy has been the roughest for me, physically as well as mentally. I have been quite nervous about everything going okay, from the welfare of the babe to the actually delivery. But now with my due date quickly approaching, I'm feeling less nervous and more confident. It has been nice getting all this baby stuff ready because I've enjoyed some sweet moments just thinking about this baby and how wonderful it is to be adding another child to our family. Lately, I've been feeling that it is a little boy (and in my mind I think of the name I would love to give a son...we are still not 100% set on a boy name) swimming around in there, jabbing me and causing bouts of heartburn. But then, could Ruby be right about all this "baby sister" talk? Will a sweet little Ines be joining our family? (we are pretty certain about our girl name :). Thinking about this baby, I mostly hope he/she will know how much I love him/her already...and someday when my children go back and read this old blog, I hope they will each feel special in their own way because of the unique individuals that they are. I can't wait to meet our sweet babe #3.

Babies and Growing-Up.

I remember taking these pictures of Ruby every month until she reached a year. It is hard to believe that now, she totes monkey around and most currently dresses monkey (and all her other dolls and animals) in babe #3's clothes. And everyone, including herself, must get into pajama's just for naptime!

Looking back at Ruby's baby pictures tonight, I can hardly believe how grown-up she is getting. It is exciting and heart wrenching all at the same time. Ruby and I spent the night at my mom's and she had us all laughing and smiling most of the evening. She is a funny little girl. Very articulate and particular about how things should be done. But she is quick to say "thank you" if you give her a compliment or do something nice for her. Lately, she is also good at making "deals" and just today learned about formulating different "options". Like tonight, when she was coming up with a plan to get someone to go outside with her and after informing me of her plan she asked, "is that a good option, mom?" Ruby also likes all things pretty and quickly let me know tonight that my shoes weren't pretty (only pink, girlie stuff warrants prettiness). She also thinks using "cute" as a compliment is strictly reserved for babies. I told her I thought Troy Bolton was cute and she quickly corrected me that "he's not a baby, mom". I took Ruby to my non-stress test appointment the other day and her sweet curiosity made me proud to be her mom. She even brought her toy doctor bag to the appointment and when the nurse was getting me settled, Ruby whispered to me, "here's my doctor stuff, give it to her so she can use it". I had been nervous about bringing her along, but as we sat there together, listening to our sweet babe's little heartbeat, I was glad to share such a special moment with Ruby. She is my little buddy. And she is going to be a great big sister.

Ruby's baby pictures also have me thinking about the sweet little babe that will be joining our family in a month (or so). I'm getting exciting to meet this babe of ours and have the joy in our home that a newborn brings. I can hardly believe it is getting so close. Naturally, I have been stressing a bit about the labor and delivery...and praying that all will go well in getting this baby here. I've been reading some books and Hugh and I have been practicing our "techniques" for the labor...that's what Hugh calls them, anyway...pretty funny! Hugh is great. When I asked him if he had any intuitions about the gender of this babe...he simply replied in true Hugh fashion, "No. I just know it is ours." And that was the end of that. Tonight, at my mom's, I started working on the baby blanket I'm making for babe #3. The very blanket I will take this babe's monthly pictures on. I can't wait. And I'm sure, before we all know it, I will be babbling on and on how he/she is growing-up right before my eyes. Oh! I can't wait to meet this babe!

"Should we name her Gabriella?"

Ruby loves High School Musical. You should see her moves to all the songs...she's getting pretty good. Just last night we were asking Ruby what to name her "baby sister" and this is how it went:

Me: Ruby what should we name your baby sister?

Ruby: ummm....Gabriella? Should we do that mom? (if only you could hear how she says Gabriella...it's my dad's favorite)

Me: What if we have a baby brother?

Ruby: {pause} Should we name baby Hughie Troy?

And there you have it. This 30 second conversation revealed why Ruby is so set on having a baby sister...in her sweet little mind her baby brother is Hughie (who she wishes was named Troy).

{Ruby feeding the ducks at SugarHouse Park in March}

Babe #3 is lucky to have such a fun big sister!

Little Babe at 27 weeks.

This little babe is growing in my belly and becoming quite active. Its punches and jabs are stronger than ever, and I am always in awe there is actually another life inside of me. I often find my self saying a quiet prayer of gratitude whenever I feel the babe moving because it gives me the (much needed) reassurance that all is well with my baby. My body is really feeling the pregnancy this time around. My back and feet get much more sore by the end of the day compared with Ruby and Hughie and I already feel like I'm waddling around. Last week I had some major heartburn, which I also never had with my other two. Ruby talks to the little one more and more and often lifts my shirt just to say hello to her "baby sister". She tells everyone about her "baby sister" and it makes me smile that she is already so proud of her sibling (I'm not sure how Ruby will feel once the babe is actually here taking away the full attention of mommy). About three more months until we meet this little one. My heart is full just thinking about it.

This past week I started getting some of the babe's things in order. It felt good. We now have a baby boy drawer and a baby girl drawer awaiting the arrival of babe number 3, and I did buy some darling little hats for our newborn bundle to wear home. I've decided the color for this babe is orange. Perfect for a boy or girl :). And Ruby and I picked out this darling giraffe just for the baby.

{Me at 24 weeks. Marissa at 25 weeks. Showing off our bellies}

My cute sister-in-law, Marissa, is a week ahead of me and her little boy is due August 6th. It is fun to think these two babes could possibly have the same birthday. Six days between their due dates is really quite trivial....you never know :).

We love you little babe...so excited to meet you in August!

In love.

With our little babe...babe #3. This will be the name of our newest addition until we get to meet him/her in August. Today was our 20 week ultrasound, so we got a sneak peak. Everything went well, and no red flags stood out to the tech. I feel very relieved, happy, and grateful. My heart has been full all afternoon. The suspense of the ultrasound was in the health and growth of our babe, so finding out the gender really was irrelevant...and Hugh and I are excited for the surprise come August. Babe #3 was kicking and grooving and stretched across my belly with its little bottom poking out and its feet tucked underneath (right above my bladder...explaining my frequent trips to the bathroom). Tonight when I showed Ruby one of the pictures the tech printed for us, she excitedly asked if we should put it in her room. She quickly raced into her room and I helped her put it on her shelf next to hers and Hughie's framed ultrasound pictures. She was pleased. I really think she is going to be a great big sister. I learned this with Hughie and I'm learning it all over again...love for your children only multiplies with each one, never divided between them.

the babe's little body all curled up in the womb

and a darling little foot

Tonight, in the midst of my excitement about this new little babe, my heart does ache a bit for our sweet Hughie. The ultrasound today was so different than Hughie's and looking back I realize just how concerned the tech was about Hughie from the start...the feeling in the room was like night and day. But as imperfect as Hughie may have seemed at his 20 week ultrasound, he really is more perfect than I could ever hope to be. And although our journey with Hughie was difficult and tumultuous, I'm not sure I would want to give it all back. Sure I wish everyday that I could just hold my little man, but tonight, as I looked at the ultrasound pics of my three precious children, I really felt so blessed. I'm grateful to a loving Heavenly Father for these blessings, and the bitter and sweet lessons that are learned from being a mother.

Kicks.

These are the lovelies that Ruby picked out when my awesome mom took us all sandal shopping to usher in SPRING. Although these jellies are pretty cute on Ruby's feet, they are not what we all had picked out for her. We wanted her to choose some darling keens or a cute pair of salt water sandals. Ruby would have none of it...she wanted these. And of course, because it was grandma's treat...Ruby got her way :). And let's just say Ruby was pleased. She also loved trying on all the women's shoes on display. Shoe choices aside, it was a perfect Saturday, spent eating, chatting, and shopping with my mom and sisters. As we got ready to leave the mall, I was a bit bummed...I really didn't want the day to end. Thanks mom, for treating us! You really are the best!

And speaking of kicks...little babe has been up to it's own kicking...the kind that I can feel, and quite often! This is my favorite part of being pregnant...feeling the new life inside of me. I often look forward to crawling into bed at night just so I can be still and feel my sweet little babe. Our ultrasound is on the 29th...I'm excited and nervous. I hope it comes quick.

Number 3.

And we couldn't be more excited...and a little nervous. Ruby has been convinced since we told her about the baby in December that she is having a baby sister. We asked if she wanted a baby brother or baby sister...without hesitation she said, "baby sister" and she hasn't looked back since. Guess she wants one of each :). So, I have resorted to calling the baby, "baby sister" as well...if not, I get corrected. I guess we'll see come August 12th!

The other night Ruby and I were singing songs to the baby, and Ruby kept gently patting my tummy. At one point she got real close and said, "it's okay, baby". When Hugh asked her about the baby, Ruby replied, "I'll take care of her." This babe number 3 is one lucky child...one sibling taking care of her now, and one waiting here to take over.

I had my second doctor's appointment yesterday....heard the heartbeat and even got a big kick from the little babe. It felt so wonderful to hear that heartbeat!

We are excited to meet you, babe number 3!

Tuesday Night...

I can't sleep. I've been a little sick the past few days and my stuffy nose seems 100x worse when I lay down. For the past hour I've been lying awake in my bed barely breathing, with my mind racing through so many thoughts. Mostly my thoughts, for some reason, keep going back to a Tuesday night a little more than three months ago. The night my sweet Hughie decided to leave the comforts of my womb. Why? I still find myself wondering...would the outcome be different if he could have stayed inside longer? Probably not...but I still ask. And usually I find peace in the thought the he needed to come when he did or he wasn't going to make it at all. The events of that Tuesday night most likely allowed us to have some time with him to prepare to say goodbye...for now.

I remember being so scared that Tuesday night. When I finally woke Hugh up to tell him something was wrong, the contractions were coming quicker and stronger. I can remember Hugh asking me what we should take."Uh...uh...I don't know," I said through tears of panic and worry (I wish now I would have thought to bring the camera). So, we ended up taking nothing besides the clothes we were wearing, our phones, and wallets. I remember bringing Ruby up to my dad's room (she had found herself into our bed) and told him through my tears that he needed to watch her because we needed to go to the hospital. Ruby started crying as I left her. This broke my heart and made the tears flow harder. I hope my dad knows how grateful I am he was there to care for Ruby....and I now know that she settled down quickly once my dad turned on some cartoons for them to watch.

I remember driving to the hospital thinking they would stop my contractions, make sure Hughie was okay, and send us home. I remember the nurse giving me a shot of terbutaline that did stop the contractions and made me feel better. It was then that the resident came in to assess me and seemed just as shocked as I was when she informed me I was dilated to 4 or 5. It was then she said I was not going home and Hughie was coming sooner rather than later. I also remember the nurses re-assuring me that they weren't shocked I was so far dilated (at this point I was closer to a 6)...they had situations like mine before. After this, everything turned into a whirlwind. Another shot of terbutaline, then a shot of steroids to help Hughie's lungs mature, and then an ultrasound....which showed my little man was breech. Up to this point, Hughie was showing no signs of distress so the resident thought I would be fine just to labor and deliver normally. But, C-section it would be. I remember thinking, I can't do this. I am so scared. I did find some much needed relief when my doctor walked in...at 4 in the morning. Just knowing he had come in to deliver Hughie helped my head stop spinning.

I remember calling my sweet mom and telling her, once again through my tears, what was going on. She started crying too. Thank you mom for also rushing to help with Ruby, just knowing she was taken care of helped me get through. I remember Hugh calling his parents and telling them Hughie was coming. They rushed up to be at the hospital with us...I remember waking up after the surgery to them sitting at my side while Hugh went to check on our son. Is it any wonder that Heavenly Father instituted families?

I also remember Hugh saying a prayer for all three of us at some point...can't remember if it was before (everything literally happened so fast) or after. But I do remember my doctor walking in during our prayer. I also remember Hugh being by my side the whole time. I'm grateful I didn't have to do this alone.

I remember shaking, shaking, shaking, after and I couldn't stop. I think I was shivering a good 5 hours and visitors asking if I was cold. I wasn't. Just could't stop.

That Tuesday night brought me this on Wednesday morning...4:22 am to be exact...

He really is so sweet. Even looks a little like his sister. I can't stop thinking about him tonight. Just like that Tuesday night over three months ago, I can't sleep because of him.

And although the pain still lingers...it was all worth it.

Hughie Happenings...


Our little guy is taking our family on quite the adventure. Some days are good and others are a bit more scary. Overall, he is a moving machine and his little jabs continue to reassure me that he is doing okay. I still see the fetal specialist every three weeks to check on his cystic hygroma (extra fluid on the back of his head), underdeveloped chin, dilated kidney's, and overall growth. He is slightly dropping off his growth curve...but hopefully he can catch-up a bit in the next two months. I know I am biased, but he looks pretty darn cute at his ultrasounds. He loves having his hands and feet by his face, and last week he was even grabbing his tiny toes with his hand. I think he is already a little character :). In between my appointments, I put that fact that Hughie might have some problems in a distant corner of my mind. Every three weeks I get a reality check that he still needs to be followed closely, and the future is still a little uncertain. I think the uncertainty is the hardest part, and I have days when I just feel down. We already love our little man so much, I just want to know what he will need from me to make it in this world. Will I be capable and strong enough? I hope so.

I have also been doing a non-stress every week to make sure Hughie is getting all he needs from my placenta. So far so good. My first week I was quite moved by the experience. As I laid on my hospital chair behind a curtain, I not only got to listen to the lull of Hughie's heart, but a handful of other heartbeats coming from other mother's and their babies laying on the same hospital chair, behind the same curtains. I felt so priviledged to be surrounded by so many new lifes! All of Hughie's little buddies, I suppose. Babies are such miracles! I don't want to forget the way I felt that day.

Hang-in there, little Hughie. We look forward to meeting you...but not before April :).

Little Hughie...

I'm worried about you. I hope you are okay in there, in my womb. It is almost certain that you will be named after your dad. It's a great name and it seems very fitting for you to have it. You are our little Hughie and I am blessed to feel your little spirit around me each day. I am grateful for each of your tiny kicks that give me some tangible reassurance of your presence. Did you hear your dad tell you how much he loves you tonight? I hope so. Every once in awhile your sister Ruby puts her mouth on my belly, my only explaination is that she knows you are in there. We all love you. Be safe.

Meet the newest member of our family

Meet Mr. Monkey. This little green fellow joined our family this week in honor of little babe. It's a boy! We found out this week the fun news about our little guy, and Ruby and I knew we had to make a trip to get him his very own monkey. Ruby's monkey was given to her by my mom after we found out she was a girl, and now Ruby has taken a special liking to Monkey (pink monkey's official name). Throughout my pregnancy with Ruby, I kept Monkey in Ruby's cradle and somehow Monkey was a great substitute until our little girl arrived. Mr. Monkey is no different and even Ruby is aware that someone new has joined our fam. Mr. Monkey sits next to Monkey on Ruby's rocking chair and every time we go into her room she points to the chair and starts to jabber. All this monkey business may seem silly, but in my crazy mind this green knitted fellow symbolizes the sweet spirit I already feel from my little babe.

We also found out that our little man seems to be having some complications with his development that the doctors are concerned about. On Monday, we met with a maternal-fetal doctor and genetic counselor to do some more testing. We will have some more answers next weekend. As Hugh and I sat in the doctor's office on Monday, we both felt a strong sense of peace and comfort. I am anxious to find out more information, but I love this little babe and for the past couple of days I have really felt his special spirit surrounding me and our family. I can't change what may be going on with our little man, but I know the thoughts, prayers, and fasting from all our loved-ones has helped me get to a place where I do feel some peace about the situation. I am surrounded by such goodness. Thank you. Mal, we all loved the beautiful flowers...they brought a special spirit all their own :).

Little babe update

I get so nervous before my pregnancy check-ups. Butterflies gather as I sit in the waiting room, anticipating my name to be called. My heart beats fast when they take my blood pressure...is it going to be too high?. I'm sure I am almost blue from holding my breath as my doctor gets the doppler ready to listen to the heartbeat...what if he can't find the heartbeat?. This happened with my check-ups for Ruby, and it happened yesterday as I went to my second appointment to check out little babe's progress...I need to chill. On the other hand, I always leave in utter amazement that there really is another person growing inside of me. I heard the heartbeat to prove it...such a miracle. There isn't a sweeter sound than hearing the "lub-dub" of a fetus's heart through a dobbler device. Today the little babe even threw in a little kick for me to hear, I can't wait to feel those movements. Although I am feeling tired and frequently nauseated, I am quickly remembering how fun it is to be pregnant. I love you little babe. When I got home from my appointment, I found my little Roo sound asleep on her auntie's chest...so sweet.